burning it down

incase it isnt clear, i'm not always enjoying wedding planning.

the other day i took that luncheon idea and ran with it...  started with a small tift over save the dates and turned into an all out war that, it turns out, was actually me trying to 'burn it down' (as the FH likes to say).

by the end of the night he was saying he was on board if i couldnt deal.

the next day i told my mom that this wedding might not happen.  the marriage, yes, but the wedding, not so much.

thats when he took it seriously.  I guess until i'd said it to my mom, he didnt totally believe i'd follow through.

but as much as i'd like to burn it all down, i'm not going to.  I realize that a huge part of my problem with this wedding is feeling pressure.  pressure to plan perfectly.  pressure to stay on budget.  pressure to impress the right people.  pressure to not lose myself in it.  pressure to grow my hair so that it could be some magical style for 7 hours some day 9 months from now.  and learn the perfect skincare regimine so that i wouldnt be blemished and gross.  and oh, lose 35 or so pounds.

so i've given it all up.  no more pressure.  because last night i finally realized that the people who are going to judge my planning skills or the impressivness or the me-vs-him factors or the perfect hair or perfect skin or perfect body?  those are the people that i dont care about anyway.  those arent my nearest and dearest.  they are the ones i could cut off of the list and never even think about again.  no, the people i care about are there to have fun and celebrate and it wouldnt matter if we were on a beach drinking beers or in a converted neo-gothic church, they are going to see the glass as half full.

I'm going to chose to think of the fun people as my guests and the boring people as a way to transfer money from my father to myself (since he's paying and they're gifting). 

so there.