back to square zero

the other night i almost gave j the ring back - not cause i was breaking up with him, but because i was breaking up with the wedding...

thankfully, NYC has a lovely city hall

it occured to me this weekend - weddings just arent me.

i dont like being dressed up in uncomfortable clothes. I dont like uncomfortable shoes. i dont like my hair to have hairspray or any accessories other than bobby pins & pony tail holders. I dont like getting ready hours early. or being out and about and sociable for that many hours.

my favorite events are one of two kinds... 1 - laid back with my friends. in a backyard, a big table at a bar or somewhere else that i dont feel like people are watching me to see how i behave. heck, at company parties i like to fade into a corner with my group and not come out. no small talk, no chitchat. just leave me alone to talk to my 5 friends and i'm happy.
or 2 - the kind where i have a JOB. where socializing isnt part of my agenda, its just something that i fit in between the moments of doing my JOB. being a MOH for my sister mostly fit that bill - if i was feeling awkard or unhappy, well, i had to go check on the bride... or another guest. or anyting that didnt leave me standing in one spot, feeling awkward...

weddings are neither of these... weddings are all about the chitchat. and the socalizing. and the being watched. things to attend to? oh no, you are the bride! 'let the DOC or the best man or your dad take care of that... its your special day!' (vomit)... all of this - these are the things that make me awkward and unhappy and uncomfortable and generally speaking, lead me to become best friends with the bottom of a glass...

the idea of being married to J - i like the idea that he's going to be around forever... its all those other people being around - even for 6 hours - that i dont like...

and oh, sure... its my wedding day - if i want to go to city hall i can, right? yeah right. on top of it all i'm a people pleaser. which means breaking the hearts of moms, dads, grandmas and fiances is not something i do well. and is something that will ruin my fun...

rockhardplace.

no fairy princesses here...

i never really thought about my wedding. thought maybe i'd never have a wedding. thought maybe i'd do destination. thought maybe i wouldnt get married.

swore that if i got engaged, i CERTAINLY wouldnt start planning my wedding until at least a month had gone by. hang out and have fun being engaged for at least a month. that i'd have the rest of my life to be married, so what would be the rush?

YEAH RIGHT.

3 weeks in and i'm full-speed ahead. on first name, daily email contacts with a caterer. making 2nd appointments to see venues...

god i hope i can stick to the 'no puffy dresses' image i have of myself...