nightmares

so, when the wedding thing started, i had a few 'nightmares'...  you know the kind - the one where its time for your first dance and the groom is drunk on bourbon on the front steps with his best man declaring that even though you are married, he doesnt have to listen to you (what, you didnt have this dream?  lets just say that the groom has been told that he will NOT be drinking bourbon at the wedding just to avoid this scene...)  or that the passed food is all set up buffet style.  stuff like that.  but the dreams - they stopped.  i got sane.  and i stopped stressing about it...

but oh how they've started again!  the other night it was that we'd forgotten to get a lighting person and that the cake had fallen through and was ice cream cake which was cut by a waiter instead of us and melted which caused that waiter to have a fight with my mom.  it included my realizing that the whole wedding was almost over and we'd never done toasts or dances or any of it.  it included me thinking 'how did we mess this up?  we only get one shot and we made this much of a disaster out of it???'

last night's dream was the best though.  truly.  see, when i was younger i used to have LOTS and LOTS of nightmares.  and in order to cope, i taught myself to 'look around' the scene to see what wasnt 'right' - for example, one time i had a dream that someone was hiding in my shower and jumped and covered me with the shower curtain.  and in my dream i was able to say 'wait, this isnt real - my shower curtain is navy blue (true statement) but this one thats over me is white...  so its a dream!' and i immediately woke up.

so anyway, last night my dream included me forgetting to hire a hair person.  and getting to the venue to find out that they had a basketball game going on inside of it and that we couldnt get in.  and not having the right makeup with me.  and during the dream, while everything under the sun was going wrong, i thought to myself, 'look around - what isnt right?' but despite the fact that it was (in awake lucid hindsite) all wrong, i couldnt find anything to grab on to.  still convinced that this was a dream, i tried to squint my eyes really tight and open them up, also to no avail.

finally, i figured out that it wasnt real by declaring that thanksgiving hadnt happened yet so this couldnt be real cause thanksgiving comes before the wedding.  (which is NOT true!  ha!)  i spent the rest of my dream skipping around telling everyone that this wasnt real and that everything was actually fine, but for some strange reason, couldnt actually wake up...  so i just had to skip through the dream la-laing while everyone else stressed out around me, just waiting until i woke up.

i have 10 more months of this.

can it be saturday already?

i dont know what happened but all of a sudden, i'm wedding dress CRAZY.  like, its all i think about. 

All along i thought i knew exactly what i wanted and all of a sudden, its like a whole new world of possibilities...  i want so much MORE than i thought i did (i think.  i'm clearly indecisive...) and while friday will be spent exploring the safe, less-fuss options, saturday is all about the Bridal Gowns.  (capital letters necessary to describe these dresses...)

and i CANNOT WAIT!  seriously going to burst with anticipation.

where in the world this came from, i have NO idea.  but OH MY GOD, get here already!!!

submitted!

oh so much has happened in the past month...  ok, not really, but kinda???

• we've picked our photographer and finally sent the deposit in.
• I think i've settled on colors.
• I just submitted the application to central park for the ceremony.

that last one?  thats the big one.  thats the thing that makes this a go or breaks my heart...  because the ceremony is the one part of this wedding that i'm holding on to - for me.  getting married outside, near water?  thats for me. 

Central Park, please come through.