things i should understand but dont

i never really thought as myself as an unconventional girl. a bit off-beat sometimes, sure, but hardly a rebel...

i never understood people who said that they never wanted to get married. at the same time, i never understood people who were dying to do so. to me, getting married is one possible path. i dont think it defines a person the way other people do. but frankly, these days, i dont totally understand why its something that we do.

is it security? i dont know that i need the security - i feel pretty freaking confident that J has no intention of going anywhere, ever. he makes that clear to me on a very regular basis. i know that he loves and adores the hell out of me and out of our life (as troubled as parts of it are right now) and he's just part of who i am... its like being worried that my right arm was going to get bored of me and hop off of my body... who would worry about that? no one. and thats my point.
i've got to assume that he feels the same way about me. i'm not going anywhere. again, i have no intention of getting bored of that right arm and chopping it off - its just part of who i am... doesnt even really occur to me to chop it off and leave it behind.

so why get married? honestly, i dont have a good reason other than i guess its to give OTHER people security. people who arent in our relationship and dont know that its just a foregone conclusion that we'll both stick around... i guess we need to make sure that our parents and our friends know that the other one intends to stick it out? so that we can make life changes for and with eachother? but even that - what does it all really mean? i mean, a couple close to my family - married for 45 years, are apparently getting divorced... so, what, does that mean that the life changes they made for and with eachother shouldnt have happened because they eventually are breaking up? hardly. however, when a marriage goes south, people dont judge those life changes nearly as harshly because 'you were married! who would have thought this would happen???'

i dont believe that getting married is any extra guarantee that you'll stay together. in fact, sometimes i fear its the thing that drives people apart... sometimes when you no longer have a choice, you really wish you did. and that leads to bad things, my friends... however, 2 people who never get married? it means that every day they wake up and decide that they still want to be together. not out of obligation, but out of what they want.

marriage is just one path. and while i'm thrilled that J will be around forever, i fully believe that i do not need a ring or a big party or any rituals to make me feel more sure of it... to me, all of that? its for other people...