dont talk to me when there is a full moon

all day today i've been back in the 'why in the hell are we doing this stupid thing' mode...  since yesterday, really...

it had been a while since i was on the city hall bandwagon but something about picking photographers made it all oh-so-real.  (no we havent picked one.  and i just added another one into the mix.  argh)

and i hate it.  hate the idea of the attention.  hate the idea of the expectations.  hate the idea that it may not turn out as planned.  hate that there is a plan.  hate the diet i'll be on for at least the next 6 months due to this stupid 5 hour party. 

hate the idea that being married is supposed to change me.  what if i dont want it to change me?  what if i dont want to have kids and a house and all of that?  is it this or is it that i'm scared to grow up?  or scared that this means that all those things i've said i'll do one day, down the road, are suddenly here?

i also hate the idea of regret.  hate the idea of wishing i'd done it differently.  hate how fear paralyzes me.

thankfully the one thing i dont hate right now is the fiance.

but i do hate the strain it puts on our relationship.  the new level of adding 'for the rest of my life' to every nit and pick.

thats a lot of hate for one person, right? 

dont worry - it should all be gone tomorrow.  full moons make me a crazy person.  and lo-and-behold, there's a full moon up in that there sky.
and its not self-fufilling prophecy - i didnt think there was a full moon until later on this week until earlier today i saw that full moon staring at me on my little google homepage moon tracker...

please god, do not let the week of my wedding feature a full moon.  I may not survive it.